The Saddest Step of All

Today's the best day ever! It's my nephew's birthday!! My funny, quirky little nephew is nine-years old today. 9!

And I'm not there to celebrate with them. Or with him.

This is the hardest part about being here. Being so far away from him.

Yes, it's hard to be away from family and friends, but we can still talk on the phone and through email. They also understand why I'm doing this. Most importantly, they have lives of their own, lives that I can be a part of elsewhere. While Bubs (my nickname for him) kinda gets it, he doesn't like it. When I lived with my parents and he would come over, we would play together. We were Pokemon trainers and Jedi, allies and enemies. We would have crazy dance parties or just sit together and watch a cartoon. Now that I'm here, it's as if he's lost a friend. It's as if I've lost a friend.

These are his formative years and I want to be there every step of the way. I want to see him grow up, and I want to help him keep and kindle his imagination while he does it. I want to celebrate with him at his happiest moments and be there to console him at his worst. I want to help shape him into the great man I know he's going to become. Yet now I feel like I'm on the sidelines, not even watching but listening to Bubba's game of life. I feel helpless, and I can't imagine what he must feel. I hope he doesn't feel like I abandoned him. Did I?

But I have to do this, right?

I have to be here, and I have to be here now. Right?

This is the culmination of everything I've wanted and worked for my entire life. My dream becoming reality. And if I stay back in California, regardless of what might pull me there, I'm only letting my dream die. So, I need to do this. For me. Because I only have one life, one chance. And with that chance comes sacrifice. So I must make a few sacrifices. For my dream.

Right?

I only hope that when Bubba gets older, he'll understand. I just want to be that uncle who's there for his nephew always, regardless of how far away I am. I want Bubs' and my relationship to only grow stronger. As he grows older, he should feel comfortable to call me whenever he has a problem that Mom or Dad can't help with. And if things ever get really bad, I want him to know that he can always spend a couple of days (or as long as he needs to) here in New York. Or if he just wants to come over and spend some time with Uncle. That'll be alright, too.

We may not have our old relationship, but we'll forge a new one. Because no matter how far I'm going, it's not too far to keep that boy in my life.

Right? Right.

P.S. I'm coming back to California from late September to early January, so he and I'll have plenty of time to play then.